everything is in order. im getting my plane ticket to come home for Sept. im so ecited

all i need to do is get my license and then try and find a way to get another 50 dollars and ill be there. ill just work some more if i can find anything to do. work is so hard to find out here. it sucks. im planning on getting a car while in mi. and then driving home. so ill need to set up a ride from the air port as well.

any takers?

im sooo excited?!!1?!843974hv hoiuyre9ym98ew  

HOMEEE!

in other news. im so fucking sick of people who openly bitch about other peoples shit. it makes me sick. someone was saying some shit to me and some other people yesterday that made me sick. i dont even want to deal with it. its annoying and its fucking pathetic.

its so fucking ridiculous how something as simple as cleaning up after yourself an be so hard for some people. there is no excuse you make a mess you clean it up. if you can spend hours making a mess you can spend 5 minutes cleaning it up. i thought moving to dixon would make things easier but it seems the problems are getting worse. the other day i asked chris's mom for a broom so i could sweep and she got offended like i was saying her house was dirty. thats not at all what i was saying. her house is alot cleaner then the 2 houses i lived in before moving here. shes ridiculous.

people get themselves addicted to drugs for problems they dont even have or claim to have and then take shit from poeople and bitch about how they are sick like its someone elses fault? wtf! are you seroius. that pisses me off so bad. when ever i was or am sick if its drug or alcohol related i dont write it off like its someone elses fault or act like i cant fucking do anything. ANYTHING. at all. sure there are somethings i cant do. but those are things i cant do anyways and coundlt ever do. but i have actualy medical problems and i have real things that need medical treatment. some people dont have issuese, they just are issues. and im sick of them .i just wish they would go away. i got the most ridiculous email today and this bitch pissed me off

i hope shes reading it. just because i shot up doesnt mean im a piece of shit.  ya i was perscribed opiates and its hard to quit using them. but i was perscribed them, whats your excuse?
 

i miss you tiffany. and rob. and chris and fuck.. everyone. i know i say this all the time. but im serious now... i am planning on coming home for a month or 2 in september.

im excited.

i just need a place to go when i get there.
 

everythings good on my end so fr. ive been doing my thing. ive been really busy.

having panic attacks everyday. but i think my trip home will be good for me. i just need to get the money and ill be good. its like 245 round trip or something.

i saw incubus live in santa barbara on july 10th. it was AMAZING. i hate their new music.. but it was a greatest hits tour and they played all sorts of old music. it was amazing. i went with my ex, dillon. the only who looks like the lead singer of incubus. lol. all the girls who say him were like. OMG HE LOOKS LIKE BRANDON!!!! it was great. he held my hand the whole time. haha
 

i just need to figure out the right words... to make it all better again

i cant help but think that moving out to california was the best choice ive ever made.

i miss my friends. i miss what could have been. but when the chance to come out here was given i had one hour to make my choice and i just left.

just like that. it was so easy.

i cant wait to come home to visit. which will be mid july.

come visit me. because i probably miss you.

p.s. im getting dreads soon. yay.

who are all these random people adding me...

weird.
 

p.s. everyone... stay the fuck away from methadone. it will fucking destroy your life. im not kidding. if i could right now i sware to god id end my life. this is the worst medicne a doctor could ever give a patient. and they wanted to keep me on it for the rest of my life. good fucking thing im strong enough to walk away. now i just need something lethal to end this fucking cycle that seems to never fucking stop. theres no relief. theres no end to it. i never would have taken methadone in a millon fucking years... ever. i dont know why i fucking gave in. i want this to all be over.  
excuse me while i attempt to drown myself.

jack and mitch- how are things going? i miss you guys. i cant wait for you to be back. im taking care of your fish.. well except the one that died yesterday... jk april fools. the fish are fine.  cant wait to hear from you slash see you again. you should call sometime and give us an update. manitu(spelled that wrong) misses you guys so much. she wont even let anyone near her. its sad. and she gets so excited when the door opens..and you can almost see her heart break when its not you guys.

REMEMBER WHEN .. getting HiGH meant swinging at the playgrounds? the worst thing you could get from a boy would be cooties? when your worst enemies were your siblings and race issues were about who ran fastest? when -WAR- was a card game and life was ||.simple.|| and care free? remember when all you wanted to do WAS GROW UP ?

hey... everyone

i did realize i posted that on my personal journal, i just forgot that i wanted to ask all my friends if they thought it was good and got the point across...

and i forgot to add it to a certain opiate affair people only friends group.. im sorry everyone!

but ya... umm what did you think about it?

anyone who has ever posted in this community or is thinking of posting.. i just wanted to say first that i have been going through a shitty time right now and havent gotten the chance to really keep my eye on this community....  we arent as strict as we should be but if things dont change we might lose our affair forever!
 

do not post about how much of a drug to take or how to take it or anything that has to do with getting high and asking anyone on here... make friends on here so you can ask them outside the community w/e thats fine with us... but DONT fuck the affair up for everyone else.

this was the community owners exact words to me-

"how much of X substance do I take to get high? Can it make me high?"

Bad bad bad!! Do not say these things people, you're gonna get us shut down!
 

lets do what we can to make sure we keep this community going i think we have helped so many people and i think if people can just be careful about what they say we can continue to help people and do good.

please read the rules! and if you see a new person posting on here, point them toward the rules! thanks so much

junkie love- Tara

this post is not negative.

even if i am.

how is everyone.

ha, i spelled bottom wrong.... i havent slept in a.. while

People won't remember
 

I Love You,
Not only for what you are,
but for what I am when I am with you,
not only for what you have made of yourself,
but for what you are making of me.
I love you for the part of me that you bring out.
I love you for putting your hand into my overflowing heart
and passing over all the foolish, weak things that can't help,
dimly seeing there, and for drawing out into the light all the
beautiful belongings that no one else had looked quite far enough to find.
I love you because you are helping me to make of the dreams of my life
not a thought but a reality,
Out of the works of my every day not a reproach but a song...

oops... is my mental instability showing? i wrote that a while ago.. when i THOUGHT i was happy. when YOU actually talked to me. now i just write mean unhappy stupid shit no one wants to hear but i dont have any friends really so..

im so unhappy-ish. someone come with me out for some ice cream. or a slushy... my treat?  mitch... ehh ehh.... you know you want to. or i could just bring you back one and hang out with you and jack for a minute

you've hurt me for the last time.... and you do not get forgiven for this..

well im off to go rob someone or sell my body. im pretty much as low as i can get.

fuck... i wish i could go do that. id probably be too numb to  care at that point. i need someone.

i need help.

i miss him. i didnt even know him for that long... but it doesnt take tht long to realize how amazing he really IS

on another note... im having surgery on my hand tomorrow.
and i feel like im currently dying and probably wont be updating much for a while///

not like i update much anyways

r.i.p. mike.... you'll never be forgotten.

cuz i am

< lj-cut text="california love" > 

fun time with my lovers @ skillz-new years rave

puppy

dillon gets lotsa pussy

(left to right) josh, bobby,dillon, myself... having a slightly gay moment..

ann and meagan @ skillz new year '09

meagan is beautiful

ann and tommy... how cute.

ann and dillon.. she was GONE at this point.. you should have seen the table dancing

rave.. dance dance

me and meagan, dance dance.

random glowstick guy

jarrett and micha... having fun?

we are... nice pupils

cigarettes.... meagan, katie, adam, and alyessa... rave much?

i love this pic

waiting

:o i may have taken ecstasy. oops.

shes cute

after the rave, dillon and i were gone.

he is 6'3.. and i think his feet are a little bigger then mine.

SANTA CRUZ

california love <3

and then they throw me in the fire.. thanks guys. (josh and joe)

by the way, thats not my vagina.. i had black undies on. so there, you sick people.

ninja ben

sometimes

kyle wants more marshmellows! GET HIM MORE OR ELSE!

ben and dillon. i love this pic.

house plants... wink wink.
you stay classy, san diego.

RARRRR!!!Dsfdskuhgfiuhdgg

meagan made me this, isnt she sweet.

joey and i.. he hates pictures.

BOOM

classic bobby and josh

my smarties ar bigger then your smarties

bobby .... after a long intense game of frisby

this was the most intense part of the whole game, then dillon proposes to bobby, and josh jealously watches from only feet away.

dillon really wanted me to stay the night... im not even kidding, thats really why he was making this face. lol

it must have been funny... too bad you all missed it.

rarrrr return of the face eating TARA monster

why does everyone always look uncomfortable when i do this?

</lj-cut>

this christmas my mom came out to california to come get me...she wanted me home.

when she got here and saw how i was doing she decided that it was best for me to stay.

if she only knew i shot up in the bathroom at my uncles house while she was there... if she only knew how far from this being the best place for me.. because i can hide my addiction and no one will notice.

"(Art)... rescues us from our self chosen triviality, to which we are so prone. It is like a deep organ note that makes my hair stir and a shiver run through me. I 'pull back' from life, like a camera taking a long shot with a wide angle lens. I quite simply become aware of more reality than before." -Colin Wilson (The Occult)

by the way, i know im a little late... but brandon boyd just turned 33 on the 15th.

and i guess his g/f is prego... looks like imma have to kill a bitch.
jk.

im not even sure if its true.

someone come hang out with me.eeeeee.e.e.e.e.e.e.ee.e..h.hhh.h.h.h.h.h.h.h.h.hh...h.hhh..h.

should it be..

i NEED something

or

i need SOMETHING.

either way, something... is what i need

EDIT!!!!

my inbox now has (313) messages in it... which REALLY makes me miss detroittttttttttttt........

in california

really bored

ohh girl!!

 turn me on with your electric feel.

miss my life, friends, self, 3692 pollina, easierness, having a phone with long distance. ect..

i dont come on here much anymore.

i dont shoot up much anymore either.

i also dont smile too much.

thanks, jack and mitch... for the kratom, it tasted like dog shit but i think it made me feel better.

car rarrr allll come see me. i wuvv yeww!

i should come on here more often, but i hate myself so much and i dont have the energy to walk across the room and type things or scroll ... hell, i dont have enough energy to kill myself.

but things are good.. i think. right now, id tell you they arent, but maybe my answer would be different in a few days.

valentines day, soon. lame. i hate being lonely. but im having "anti"-valentines day on the 15th, with dillon.. whatever that means. this time of year always makes me feel like shit. its either that or the lack of opiates. mmmmmmmmmmm opiates.

kiss me in the rain.

p.s. mgmt kicks ASSSSS ninjaa

 putting together my updated modeling portfolio (which i always suck at)

which are most worthy of sending in... which should be erased. im just putting them all on here under the cut, there arent that many and id really appreciate your help

after i decided heroin was more important then living, i lost touch with my modeling and now im going to start back up... these are just some pics i took tonight, and a few from within the past 2 ish months. or so. THANKS

1

 i had to give up my purple/blue hair:(

2

  this dress was bought it maui, hawaii 2007

3

  like, omg! i got a friend request!!!

4

  i didnt get to go see Twilight yet. fuck.

5

 in case you didnt know, sometimes im composed entirely of polka dots

6

( 7 and up... and then funny ones, just for shits and giggles. )

( goodness under the cut )

 If you saw ME in a police car, what would you think I got arrested for? Answer me, then post to your own journal and see how many crimes you get accused of.

if people actually answer this, it could get quite amusing.